Fun with Self-Hatred (Bandhu Dunham)

Self-hatred is characterized by a critical voice that goes beyond constructive evaluation. It operates visibly and invisibly and can be transmitted between generations. It doesn’t work to try to paste self-love on top of self-hatred. There’s a spiritual idea that the universe, including negative manifestation, exists for God’s entertainment. Forms of self-hatred may involve high achievement, romantic masochism, shyness, imposter syndrome, persistent anxiety, perfectionism, people pleasing, and grandiosity. Origins of self-hatred include emotional neglect and abuse. Addictive behavior regenerates self-hatred. With self-hatred, the three roles of the drama triangle (victim, abuser, rescuer) can show up in one person. Self-hatred takes so much energy that battling with it can seem to be the point of life. In Buddhist psychology, it’s said that we spin our perception of reality into existence and that our natural state is stillness but we get bored with it. Things happen in life that allow the truth of reality to break through. Recognizing self-hatred is key to learning to move beyond it. Self-doubt can kill our impulses so we don’t risk getting hurt again. Every neurotic manifestation has a flip side. Self-hatred can start us on a path of seeing ourselves more clearly. It unravels with self-acceptance. Self-observation is more than just mental analysis; it involves feeling what is going on in the body. In meditation we learn to be present and see ourselves more clearly. Humility and restraint can be upsides of self-hatred. A component of self-hatred is cultural. There is a certain tension that is necessary—a struggle between yes and no—on the path of transformation. Taking a step back, gaining perspective, and humor are helpful in working with self-hatred. Idiocy is part of the human condition. Bandhu Dunham is the author of Creative Life and an internationally recognized glass artist and teacher.